


The Observations of Quarantine

by cazflibs



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Crack Fic, Gen, OH WELL I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW, Seriously what was I on when I wrote this?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 14:52:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,060
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10664958
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cazflibs/pseuds/cazflibs
Summary: Following Space Corps Directive 598, Rimmer records his observations of the trio's five days in quarantine......and, it seems, his descent into madness.





	The Observations of Quarantine

**Author's Note:**

> I think there was still some pent-up crazy in my brain, left over from DJXIX. RUNNING RED DWARF CONVENTIONS DOES THAT TO YOU, YOU KNOW.
> 
> So here we go. Caz is letting out alllllll the crazy.

**Space Corps Directive 598**

**"One nominated Senior Officer should dictate daily reports from the Quarantine Observation Window, paying particular reference to any cognitive, social or physical deterioration in incarcerated crew members. These findings are to be logged with the ship’s mainframe and cross-referenced on the appropriate medical records."**

**Day 1**

< _recording activated_ >

So I just speak into the microphone? And it appears on the screen? 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

Oh, I see! Ah, erm - Acting Senior Officer, Arnold J. Rimmer reporting. As per Space Corps Directive 595, I have quarantined one registered crewmember and two additional personnel. This directive was enacted following an unscheduled visit to an unscreened scientific laboratory. Aforementioned crew came into close contact with an infected individual who can only be described as nuttier than a Snickers bar. 

Quarantined inmates have been been furnished with adequate refreshments and leisure facilities as per Space Corps Directive 312. I shall check in tomorrow at thirteen-hundred hours with a full medical update. 

Report ends. 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

Holly? How do you turn off the smeggi-- 

< _recording terminated_ >

**Day 2**

< _recording activated_ >

This is Acting Senior Officer, Arnold J. Rimmer checking in for the Quarantine Report at - smeg, is that the time?! - um, sixteen-hundred hours. Apologies. For some reason, I overslept. 

Right, let's check the -- ah. According to the Medi-Scan, temperature outputs are all registering as normal. No evidence of mechanical failure or deterioration in cognitive function. 

Inmates currently registering varying degrees of consciousness. Although I suspect that might be to do with the Wallpapering vid that's currently playing. 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

Sorry, I can't stop smegging yawning. Mind you, all this carefully detailed reporting is rather tiring. Perhaps I'll head back to my quarters again. Do a full update tomorrow. 

Report ends. 

< _recording terminated_ >

**Day 3**

< _recording activated_ >

Holly, I think there's something wrong with my lightbee. I keep getting these funny little-- 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

Oh, is it on? Sorry, what am I doing? Ah yes, the Quarantine Report. Well, let's see. Um, the Cat seems to be attempting to nap for long lengths of time to avoid confrontation. Apart from extended sleep periods, no evidence of worsening health. 

Kryten is speaking less to the others than he has been for the last two days. Instead, he seems to be busying himself with the research from Lanstrom’s lab. No evidence of mechanical failure or deterioration in cognitive function. 

God, my head feels bloody awful -- sorry, erm, Lister has started crocheting a hat so I'm guessing he's feeling okay, I suppose. You know, I've always wondered what I would look like in a crocheted hat. Lister could crochet anything, couldn't he? Maybe crocheted hammocks? I mean, they'd be more comfortable than anything else the JMC had to offer, and -- 

Wait -- sorry. Bugger. Holly, how do I edit this thing? 

Oh well, never mind. I'll sort it tomorrow. 

< _recording terminated_ >

**Day 4**

< _recording activated_ >

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

I don't like it. They all keep looking at me strangely. 

Well supposedly they’re not looking at me at all, but I know better. Ha! You can't outsmart Arnie J. Holly keeps telling me that it's only one-way glass and that they can't see or hear me until the red light comes on, but -- 

\-- I hate red things. Stupid, jumped-up Space Corps boffins designing lights that are red. Don’t they know they make people feel angry? I mean, red. It's a danger colour, isn't it? Dangerous, it means there's danger, and -- 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

Do you think they know they're in danger in there? I mean, all I need to do is give the command. Just one little command and all of the oxygen will be sucked away. That would look funny, wouldn't it? They’d be giving me funny little waves as they clawed for oxygen - waving at me like they were saying ‘goodbyeee’ -- 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

\-- I, um. Holly, did you type that on the screen? Oh god. 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

Help. I think there's something wro-- 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

\-- in my head. Please, I can't do this anymore. They keep -- 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

\-- what? Oh. Okay. Well if the King says so. 

< _recording terminated_ >

**Day 5**

< _recording activated_ >

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

I feel much better now. 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

There's no more hurting inside my head anymore. No worrying, no sad in there, no, no, no. Just the voices. 

I know what you're thinking. I'm not a crazy person. These voices make me feel so much better, not worse. 

They simply tell me what to do and it all just happens. They just tell me and it happens, when they tell me, it happens, and I can make it happen when they tell me, and -- it just makes things so much easier to understand, you know? 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

They were cross before. They were very cross with each other. It's gone more quiet now. Lots of looking and looking and looking and looking and -- 

That's naughty though, isn't it? Arguing. Maybe his Highness was right. Maybe ten years is what they need. 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

The King said it would be okay though. He said it would be okay to take the oxygen away if I need to. It’s only one command and he's bestowed it on me. He said I would be doing my duty. I mean, that's nice, isn't it? They're saying it's very nice too. The voices say it's nice. It must be nice. 

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

< _indistinct noise - unable to log - please speak clearly into microphone_ >

Do you think they'll smile at me when they wave goodbye? It's nice to smile. 

< _recording terminated_ >

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Between Godhood and Insanity](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10828371) by [LizzieRimmsy](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LizzieRimmsy/pseuds/LizzieRimmsy)




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